what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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