I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think a kid would responsible me up
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
