I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
