Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
