he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
