Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
