you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
