tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
