i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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