an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
