The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
