you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
