why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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