A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
