She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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