I'm so fucking centered right now
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
