Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize