I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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