i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
