Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
