And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
