seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
