just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
only you would photoshop your dick
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think your dad took our porno
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
