My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the day after is always just damage control
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
