i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
