He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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