On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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