i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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