when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
