Your favorite bartender is back from prision
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
