this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
