I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
