so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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