I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
