Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
