I need to stop coming to work sober
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
