I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Randomize
