hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
