don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
