omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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