i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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