Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
