Will you blow on my dice?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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