What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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