My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
