i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
