My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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