Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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