Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
