Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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