i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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