Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have tasted many bathrooms
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
