i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm having to shit out rocks
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