So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
