I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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