I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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