even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you had me at cake vodka
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
