he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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